im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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