Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
