6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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