my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
wow bdsm is so cute
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