I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
