Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
