I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
