Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
