Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
