Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
