the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hippo gnu deer
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
