Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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