I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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