just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
