So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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