Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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