party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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