I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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