I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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