ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
