he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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