There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
