A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
