i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
