it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
