God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
