just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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