It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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