Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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