These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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