so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
