I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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