He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
