what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
