Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
is wine microwaveable?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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