The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
