Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
