I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Your topless pictures make me question reality
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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