the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
