I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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