i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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