Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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