That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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