go do what you do best...puke behind churches
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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