Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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