and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
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My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not