i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
