I heard we made out
Apparently you make a good broom.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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