after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
