I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
