my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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