I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
