1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
