In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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