When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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