I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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